It all started when I returned from NYC and couldn’t sleep in my house. I had just finished a quick trip to Manhattan and Brooklyn to scout locations for my annual conference. I topped off the final day at The Met. It was so awesome I cried over the fashion exhibit narrated by Sarah Jessica Parker and a Jackson Pollock hanging somewhere on the second floor.
Nothing about my trip had prepared me for the sudden wave of terror and nausea that overwhelmed me when I walked through my front door. My mom picked me up from the airport. I told her I was seriously thinking about moving to NYC because I loved it so much. When I got closer to my home I could feel myself tensing up but I brushed it off as stress from my flight.
I grabbed my carry on from the back of the trunk and followed my mom through the front door. She went upstairs and I froze in the foyer. I tried to will myself move. But I couldn’t I just looked around and felt more and more overwhelmed. After a while, I felt my stomach churning and stepped outside to catch my breath. After a few minutes, I ran toward my car and I haven’t slept in my house since. I spent a week in an Airbnb. Then reasoned that I should temporarily relocate to Chicago to focus on my conference. But when I got to Chicago nothing went as planned.
Healing has begun. I visit my therapist weekly. Our focus is bringing down the terror alarm that’s ring through my mind and body. Most days I don’t get out of bed except to write. Everything hurts. I haven’t felt very loving toward anyone. To be honest, I can’t feel the love from others, everyone feels intrusive.
Work has become writing. Not speaking, not teaching, not strategizing just writing. Which initially was hard for me because I think my best voice is my speaking voice. But the written word is the only thing that comes up and I typically enjoy work so I write.
Surprisingly my human being is the most on board with life lately. A few months prior to how I’m feeling today my son suggested that I move back to Chicago.
We had just finished a mini family vacation to Florida. He was so excited to get home. I, on the other hand, was becoming more silent, rigid and tense as we got closer and closer to the house. My son said “Mom, you need to move out of Omaha. Coming home should make you happy. You were more excited to leave than to come back. It’s obvious to everyone it’s time for you to leave.” I should have known he was on to something. My child has an amazing way of seeing me clearly.
The Ultramind Solution by Dr. Mark Hyman. This book comes highly recommended by Mimi Ikonn. Mimi and I share a similar philosophy to health and wellness. Her video about overcoming depression and anxiety intrigued me. I was so grateful when she recommended this book. I’m hoping it’s as helpful to me as it was for her.
I’m loving my time alone. My therapist brought to my attention that I haven’t been alone in nine months. This was helpful because all I want right now is to be alone. Not because of the anxiety but because of the physical and mental energy it takes to speak. I don’t want to speak to anyone but my therapist. Me time is everything.