Why I’m Writing (Three) Books

I’m writing a book (actually, I’m writing three books, but that’s a story for another day). Where was I? Oh, right—I’ve been in the book-writing process for the past four years, which is how two other books showed up to be written along the way. I say “showed up” because writing a book feels less like a choice and more like something that’s happening through me. This process has led to a level of deep introspection that I wouldn’t recommend unless you have an incredible support system.

My support system through this journey has included my therapist, my amazing friends, and my book editor. Even with their help, the process has been more challenging than I imagined. I’ve written books before, I love words, and I love reading. So, naturally, I thought it would be easier. But maybe that’s the very reason I’ve been stuck in writer’s block for so long—I love books and I’m very critical of what I read. The thought of someone disliking my work, after I’ve poured hours into drafting and revising, sends me into a panic. I don’t like that feeling, so I’ve avoided it.

I thought my love of words would give me all the motivation I needed to push through a 50,000-word manuscript. As it turns out, speaking words is much more comfortable for me than writing them.

Honestly, I think it traces back to what happened the first time I started blogging on Facebook Notes (a long, long time ago). My writing resonated with people so much that it spread beyond my circle of friends. More specifically, it reached my then-boyfriend’s friend group. While he said he supported my writing, he didn’t like that I was writing about our relationship. He told me I was being inconsiderate of his career and that people knew I was referring to him whenever I mentioned “The Boyfriend” in my posts.

So, I tried to exclude him from my work. But then something worse happened—one of his exes stole my identity. She used my blog posts to copy my voice and sent horrible messages to him and his friends as if she were me. Because I had posted so much content online, her copycat voice sounded exactly like mine. I spent years trying to convince people that I hadn’t sent those messages. That experience turned me away from using written words as a form of self-expression. It felt unsafe to put my thoughts out there when someone could twist them and use them against me.

Another reason I’ve struggled to finish these books is that I’ve written two books before. One I’m proud of, but it was written more to get away from something than to pour into something. The second, though it was my own words, was written when I wasn’t in a healthy mental state. It pains me to know that people may have read it and been impacted by my unhealthy mindset. That thought often paralyzes me because I don’t want to cause harm through my writing.

When I think back to my first book, I realize I didn’t write it for the right reasons. I did it because I was “supposed to.” As a new speaker in the personal development industry, I was told I needed to establish myself as an expert, and the quickest way to do that was to write a book. So, I did what I was told. While I’m proud of the words I wrote, I’m not proud of why I wrote them. Holding that book in my hands often feels like holding a reminder of a time when I wasn’t true to myself.

Throughout my career as a speaker, I’ve been asked to write more books, but I couldn’t find a reason to put myself through the writing process again—beyond serving others. Between 2019 and 2020, I was offered four book deals by three different publishers. I kept wondering, What do they see in me that I don’t? Why were they so eager for me to write when I didn’t feel ready?

After five years of reflecting on these questions, I’ve realized that external validation has never been enough to push me into writing. I am moved from the inside out. If I don’t feel it internally, it’s not coming out—no matter how much external pressure there is.

So, instead of writing because publishers were eager, or because it could bring in money, or because it might serve humanity in some abstract way, I chose to wait.

I waited until I had something I truly wanted to say—and until I was clear on what that was and why I wanted to say it. Now, almost five years later, I’ve picked up two half-finished manuscripts and started from scratch on the third. I’m writing books that span personal growth, career, and wellness, and I think because I’ve waited for all of me to be fully on board, they are going to be something really special.